Dimitive Caverns
by hidetomatsumoto
Summary: Lister and company are captured by an unknown entity, and force to play the ULTIMATE game.
1. The Game

"Mister Lister, sir, you better come up here at once," Kryten announced over the com system.  
  
Lister, deeply engrossed in a total immersion video game, reluctantly acknowledged the message.  
  
"What do you suppose it is?" the cat asked.  
  
"Unknown," Kryten answered.  
  
"It could be some sort of missile, ready to explode at the first detection of another ship," Rimmer suggested.  
  
"Unlikely sir. There are no other ships in the area. More likely it's some sort of deep space probe searching for intelligent life," Kryten responded.  
  
"Well it's come a long way for nothing. Why don't they ever send out probes to find people with style? Then they would've hit the jackpot," Cat added his typical irrelevancy.  
  
"I suggest we follow space corps directive 9113.45 on this one," Rimmer confidently commanded.  
  
"I fail to see how inspecting all ship issued linen for Tolarian dust mites will help us," Kryten responded, much to Rimmer's dismay.  
  
"Must you always-" Rimmer started to protest, before Lister, who had just entered the cockpit, interrupted.  
  
"Hold on, I'm detecting a massive energy buildup," Lister announced.  
  
"Confirmed," Kryten added after double checking the instrument readings. "It appears to be coming from the probe."  
  
"If you need me, I'll be cowering under my bunk," Rimmer stated, bolting out of the cockpit.  
  
"Kryten, power up the lasers. Cat, evasive maneuvers," Lister said, moments before a blinding burst of light engulfed Starbug. Immediately, everyone lost consciousness.  
  
Several hours later, they awoke to find themselves in a large cavern, where enormous torches on the walls provided the only light. Water dripped from moss-covered walls, while a chilling breeze came from tunnels leading deeper into the unknown.  
  
"What is this place?" Cat asked.  
  
"Welcome to Diminitive Caverns," a deep, disembodied voice replied.  
  
"Pardon?" Rimmer responded, confused.  
  
"Diminitive Caverns, a game where the stakes are as great as its rewards," the voice replied.  
  
"What exactly would the stakes be you're referring to?" Kryten inquired.  
  
"Your very lives," the voice answered, with a sinister hint of amusement.  
  
"What exactly have we done to deserve such an obviously fabulous, once-in-a-life-time opportunity?" Rimmer sarcastically, but worryingly asked.  
  
"Luck. You just happened to come across one of my many probes scattered throughout the universe to find players. It's all part of the game," the voice responded.  
  
"Luck?! You call a game where instead of simply being humiliated isn't enough, but rather death is the rule, lucky?!" Rimmer exclaimed.  
  
"Bad luck if you look at it that way. But if you succeed, the rewards can be immense," the voice answered, now with obvious amusement.  
  
"What rewards?" Lister asked.  
  
"Yeah, what rewards? Like a new wardrobe?" the cat asked.  
  
"You all are searching for something. Is that not true?" the voice speculated.  
  
"Our ship, Red Dwarf," Kryten confirmed.  
  
"Then if you win, the reward will be your ship," the voice replied.  
  
"What about a new wardrobe?" the cat inquired.  
  
"There are many smaller rewards awaiting you as well. If you can find them," the voice answered.  
  
"How do we know if we've won?" Rimmer anxiously asked.  
  
"If you're not dead, then you know you haven't lost," was the only reply. The owner of the voice was now clearly enjoying himself. "Now let's see what an appropriate difficulty setting should be. One barely-average human, one humanoid obsessed with vanity, one holographic life form devoid of all courage, and one low-end mechanoid. I'm afraid I don't have a setting low enough to even give you a chance."  
  
"Good, then we'll be on our way," Rimmer replied with a false sense of relief, thinking of the probability they'd just be killed instead.  
  
"What do you mean you don't have a low enough difficulty setting?" Lister protested, with wounded pride.  
  
"Does this mean I'm not getting a new wardrobe," the cat added, showing what he was most concerned about.  
  
"I resent being called a low-end model," was all Kryten could say before the voice interrupted.   
  
"I shall give you another player, one that can at least give you a chance at the minimum difficulty setting," the voice said.  
  
With that, a female humanoid appeared. She had a striking resemblance to Holly, Red Dwarf's computer, only with a complete body, instead of merely a disembodied head on a monitor. She wore a long white dress, and had long blonde hair instead of her normal short locks.  
  
"The game begins now," the voice announced, fading away with a laugh.  
  
Everyone just stood there and stared at the woman. Not only did she appear to be the physical form of Holly, but she was rather attractive; far more than the image they had come to know on the computer monitors. "If you're done staring at me, we have a game to play," were her first words.  
  
"It's just we've been trying to get back to Red Dwarf for the last year without you. We've missed you," Lister sincerely replied.  
  
"With this lot I'm not surprised," Holly responded, flaunting an air of superiority.  
  
"What does she mean by that?" Cat wanted to know.  
  
"Are you actually the computer from Red Dwarf?" Kryten inquired.  
  
"In the flesh," was her response.  
  
"How do we know she's not some spy, ready to sabotage any chance we have for victory?" Rimmer remarked.  
  
"You certainly don't need me to do that for you," was her caustic reply.   
  
"Listen, we really don't have much choice, do we? Either we play the game his way, or we'll probably be killed," Lister interjected.  
  
"I have to agree with Mr. Lister. It is unlikely this entity will simply return us to Starbug if we refuse to play. However, I think we'd be more likely to die from just staying here and doing nothing until we starve to death, then simply being killed off," Kryten added.  
  
"Then I don't see any reason why I should worry," Rimmer remarked smugly.  
  
"I don't think he'd continue to supply power to your light drive either, should the rest of us die," Kryten challenged.  
  
"Or, he might decide to leave you here, so he can torment you for as long as he could think up new and disgusting things to do to you. Maybe for thousands, or even millions of years," Lister gleefully added.  
  
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Rimmer asked rhetorically.  
  
They looked around. There were at least twenty tunnels leading out of the cavern. In addition, there were several deep pits, which might also be exits.  
  
"We should split up into teams. Cat, you go with Holly and Rimmer. Kryten, you're with me," Lister suggested.  
  
"You must be joking," both Holly and Rimmer simultaneously replied, while looking at each other with contempt.  
  
"I don't think that would be a very good idea, Sir. For all we know these tunnels could teleport us to different locations. We may not be able to regroup," Kryten responded.  
  
"I think that was the plan. Why else would he stick me with those two," Rimmer remarked, pointing to the cat and Holly.  
  
"Funny, I was about to say the same thing," Holly said, not hiding her disdain for the hologram.  
  
"Look, if we're going to get through this, we're going to have to work together," Lister demanded, as Holly and Rimmer exchanged glares.  
  
"It might be a good idea to closely examine all possible exits, to see if there are any clues to where they lead," Kryten suggested.  
  
"What if they're just illusions, and instead you get hit with a million volts of electricity, if you go anywhere near them?" Holly countered.  
  
"That's true. But maybe the same thing will happen if we stay here too long," Kryten responded.  
  
"In other words, if we leave, we could die. And if we stay, we could die," the cat added, which brought a nod of conformation from Kryten. "Then I say we just pick one, and go."  
  
"I'm with the cat. If we worry about every step we take, we'll never get anywhere. We're going to have to take some chances. This is a game after all," Lister agreed.  
  
"How do you propose we go about choosing a door?" Kryten asked.  
  
"Cat, pick up a rock and spin in a circle while throwing it. The closest exit the rock lands by, is the one we'll take," Lister answered.  
  
"Better yet, why don't we just spin the cat until he throws up, and then use his vomit instead," Rimmer quipped.  
  
While they argued back and forth about how to decide which exit to take, Holly casually made her way towards one of the pits. "I'm going down here, anyone care to follow?" she remarked, growing tired of their antics.  
  
"How can you be sure it's the right one?" Kryten retorted.  
  
"If I had to keep standing around here listening to you guys go on about what pathetic method you're going to use, I don't think I'd be able to fight the urge to rip off my dress, and make a noose to hang myself with," was her witty reply.  
  
"Now how could we use that to find an exit?" Rimmer shot back.  
  
Holly began descending into the pit. After initial hesitation, the rest followed. "Finally," the disembodied voice rang out.  
  
"Does he mean, Finally we've actually started? Or, finally we've screwed up so he can kill us?" Rimmer asked anxiously.  



	2. An Encounter With Santa

"What the hell is that?" Rimmer yelled, pointing to what appeared to be a fully decorated Christmas tree walking toward them.  
"Looks like a Christmas tree to me," Lister replied, seeming to be unconcerned about the animated evergreen.  
"Pardon me, but I don't ever recall the family Christmas tree taking a stroll around the house," Rimmer snidely responded.  
"Is it dangerous?" the Cat added.  
"Deadly," the Christmas tree menacingly answered, coming closer.  
"This doesn't look good," Rimmer said.  
"Relax, will you? What's it gonna do, throw presents at us?" Lister responded, with a grin.  
"That's it, rile it up," Rimmer retorted, growing worried (more so than usual).  
"Mr. Tree, or whatever you prefer to be called by, we're not here to cause you any harm," Kryten announced, trying to clear any misunderstanding there may be between them.  
"But I am!" the tree sneered, yanking off one of its ornaments.  
"Oh no! It's even worse than I thought--ornaments!" Lister teased.  
"Sir, those aren't ordinary ornaments," Kryten warned. "They contain an explosive concentration at least as powerful as a hand grenade. I suggest we get out of here immediately."  
"Uh, that might prove to be a bit of a problem," Rimmer noted, pointing to a rather mean looking snowman lumbering in through the only exit.  
"All we need is a deranged Santa Claus, and we'll be all set," Holly added.  
Moment's latter, a trap door dropped open from the ceiling, and a rope fell to the floor. A pudgy man in a red suit slid down the rope. It was Santa all right, but he was about as cuddly as Charles Manson.  
"You were saying . . ." Lister quipped.  
Meanwhile Rimmer, near hysteria, bolted past Santa and started climbing up the rope, just as the tree chucked its ornament grenade. Rimmer quickly reached the top, but lost his balance when he reached up to grab at the floor above. He went tumbling to the ground, landing on the grenade just as it exploded; luckily Rimmer's hard light drive was able to absorb the shock.  
The trio of Santa, the snowman and the Christmas trees seemed baffled that Rimmer was somehow able to survive the explosion. They went over into a corner to confer about what to do next. A massive metal door slid across the main exit, while the trapdoor closed again, preventing any further possible escape attempts.  
"My plan worked!" Rimmer announced, displaying a typically pathetic excuse for his cowardice.  
"I thought so," the Cat agreed. "Except for you surviving the blast," he cracked.  
"It looks like we've been given a temporary reprieve, since Mr. Rimmer was able to withstand the grenade explosion," Kryten noted. "I suggest we use the time wisely to devise a plan."  
"If this is a game, then there must be a solution," Lister suggested.  
"Unless of course the solution was not coming in here in the first place," Rimmer replied, always assuming the worse possible scenario.  
"As I recall, it was you, who suggested we come in here," Holly pointed out to Rimmer, who immediately became red-faced.  
"We don't have time for this," Kryten interjected, bring a grateful "Thank you," from Rimmer. "We can blame him later," he continued, adding insult to the hologram.  
"All three of these guys seem to have a wintry theme to them," Lister pointed out. "Is that some clue to defeating them?"  
The trio immediately took notice of Lister's comment, and broke off their conference to attack again. This time the tree ripped off it's top part, and wielded it like a big club, while the snowman took chunks of snow out of itself, and began throwing snowballs. And with a red bag now in his possession, Santa began pulling out large toys and throwing them.  
"Your presents . . ." Rimmer quipped to Lister.  
"Don't let those snowballs hit you! They contain some sort of flesh eating acid!" Kryten warned, examining one of the yellow-tinged balls of snow.  
"This isn't fair!" Cat complained. "If we had bazookoids, we'd kick their asses!"  
"You are correct, it is not a fair fight," the disembodied game voice agreed.   
A bazookoid, like the ones from Starbug, materialized in the Cat's hands. "The holidays are over," he boasted, chambering a round and blasting away.  
The first volley struck the snowman, which was vaporized. But when Cat hit the other two, they just regenerated blown off parts, and became even more aggressive.  
"Watch out!" Lister yelled. "Santa just pulled a machine gun from his bag!"  
"This is hopeless," Rimmer whined, cowering behind Kryten for cover.  
As the commotion ensued, Holly calmly began singing Christmas carols. The songs enraged Santa, and the tree responded by yanking off another ornament. Noticing the effect Holly's singing was having, the others joined in.   
Santa dropped to his knees, screaming in agony, while the tree burst into flames. A few minutes later, they both disappeared in puffs of smoke.  
"How did you know?" Lister asked Holly.  
"Blasting them to bits wasn't working, so I thought maybe the solution was related to Christmas," Holly explained. "I just thought I'd try singing."  
"What about the snowman?" Cat wondered. "I blasted him into next year."  
"It was a two-parter?" Holly answered, shrugging her shoulders.  
"You are awarded two points, and . . ." the voice said, as a hand held computer materialized in Kryten's hand. "Now you can keep track of your progress, as well as look up information regarding the places and things you encounter."  
"Just how many points do we need to win?" Rimmer asked.  
"One million."  
"One million!" Rimmer shot back. "How are we supposed to do that, when we get only two points?"  
"You were given minimum points, because you also received a valuable prize," the voice responded, referring to the computer they'd just received.  
"Valuable prize?" Cat disagreed. "A new pair of shoes would have been better. Mine are already starting to get scuffed up."  
"Perhaps next time," the voice chuckled, fading out.  
The door blocking the main exit then swung open. 


	3. A Fairy Encounter

"Anyone else hungry?" Lister asked.  
  
"Yeah," Cat replied.  
  
"Holly?" Lister inquired.   
  
"Strange, I don't seem affected by things such as hunger or fatigue," Holly responded.  
  
"Confirmed," Kryten added. "According to the computer, although Holly appears human, she has a perpetual energy source eliminating the need for food or sleep. In fact, only total annihilation can kill her, since her body is capable of regeneration."  
  
"I guess it's just you and me, Cat," Lister said.  
  
Kryten checked the computer to see if there were any places nearby that might provide food. There was a garden ahead, and a pub back in the direction they had just come.   
  
"I say we backtrack to the pub," Lister suggested.  
  
"For all we know the pub could be filled with a bunch of deranged psychopaths, who'll slaughter us the moment we step in the door," Rimmer responded.   
  
"The computer is vague on the pub," Kryten added.   
  
"What does it say?" Lister inquired.   
  
"A pub," Kryten answered.   
  
"And the garden?" Lister asked.   
  
"A large two-hundred acre garden, filled with plant and tree species, along with various animals. A once in a lifetime experience," Kryten replied.   
  
"Any fish?" Cat asked.   
  
"Unknown," Kryten answered.   
  
"Fine. But if all they have are some weird plants to eat, we're going back to find that pub," Lister announced, heading off toward the direction of the garden.   
  
For a good twenty minutes, they followed a series of twisting and turning passageways before entering an enormous room filled with plants and animals.  
  
"I'd hardly call this a once in a lifetime opportunity," Rimmer remarked, "not finding anything of particular interest."   
  
"Perhaps there is another meaning," Holly added.   
  
"In any event, I suggest we use caution," Kryten said.   
  
They made their way further into the garden, which was more like a forest. Certainly there was something else to be found here. One possibility turned out to be a tiny fairy that flew out onto the path, in front of them.   
  
"Welcome to my beautiful garden," she greeted them, before assuming human-size form; a strange light surrounded her as well.  
  
"Where's the fish?" the cat asked.   
  
The fairy did not answer at first. The aura surrounding her intensified, and all except Kryten, were taken by her glamour spell, including Holly. "There are many things for you here to enjoy," she finally replied.   
  
Kryten could only follow, unable to gain the others' attention. They were like rats following the Pied Piper: hopelessly hypnotized.   
  
"Where are you taking us?" Kryten asked the fairy.   
  
"To my home, in the field," was her response.   
  
They continued on through the garden. Familiar, and unusual animals scurried about, amongst the common and exotic, plants and trees. At one point, the fairy stopped, and began singing a song. Lister and Rimmer just stood there listening to her enchanting voice, while the cat and Holly tried to attract the animals; the cat for a snack, and Holly out of curiosity.   
  
"Sir, don't you see what's going on?" Kryten attempted to point out to Lister.   
  
"Isn't it just incredible?" was all the response Lister gave, with a far-away look in his eyes.  
  
"I've never seen so many animals, outside of computer images, before," Holly remarked, equally lost under the glamour spell.   
  
"Me neither," the cat added, with a sinister grin.   
  
"Mr. Cat, why don't you wait till we get to my home? I'm sure I can find something even more to your liking," the fairy said, briefly interrupting her song.   
  
"It's all so beautiful," Rimmer said. There wasn't a hint of the bitterness he usually wore like a badge.  
  
Kryten punched up all information on fairies in the computer. The only significant information mentioned was that to break a glamour spell, one needed to discover the spell's purpose. He then attempted to cross reference information on fairies and things found in the garden. It said fairies were caretakers of plants and trees.   
  
"Why don't you put your toy away, and just enjoy yourself, my mechanoid friend?" the fairy remarked to Kryten. She then led the others down the path again, continuing her song.   
  
After a while, they came to a small field, which more resembled someone's living room, only with furniture made out of foliage and stones. There was a table fashioned out of a huge flat-topped rock, with tree stumps for chairs, encircling it. An artesian well provided cool, running water, while hot water was supplied by a hot spring.   
  
"Welcome to my home," the fairy said. "Why don't you get some rest, while I cook up something to eat," she added, pointing to some patches of tall, thick grass.   
  
"What's wrong with these trees?" Rimmer asked, noticing some of the leaves were turning brown.   
  
"They're dying. But don't worry, I'm going to make up a batch of my special fertilizer to save them," the fairy replied.   
  
"Special fertilizer?" Kryten responded.   
  
With that, the fairy moved her hand through the air in a motion that started with Lister, and ended with the steaming hot spring. Lister immediately started walking toward the water.   
  
"You see, I only need one of them for my fertilizer. If you don't stop interfering, all of them will perish," the fairy remarked in a charming, but menacing tone.   
  
"How can I save them then?" Kryten asked.   
  
"You can not break the spell. Only if one of them can realize what is happening on their own, can it be broken," she responded.   
  
"But that very spell is preventing them from realizing what is going on!" Kryten retorted.   
  
"You underestimate your friends," the fairy replied, pointing to Lister, who was now walking slowly around the perimeter of the spring. "Besides, if you don't let them do this on their own, then he won't be the only one going for a swim. Even you will not be able to escape me. I could command every animal in the garden to descend upon you and pick you apart," she added in a stern voice.   
  
The others seemed unaware of Kryten's argument with the fairy, as they made beds in the patches of grass. Kryten, unable to convince the fairy to release them, walked away and began frantically searching through the computer for additional information.   
  
"Go and join the others for a nap," the fairy commanded Lister, who immediately went.   
  
"I could use some sleep," Lister replied as he fashioned a pillow out of his jacket.   
  
The fairy then went out to gather some food, stopping only briefly to warn Kryten that she'd still be able to watch him, even though she was gone. There was no reason to doubt her claim.   
  
About half an hour later, the fairy built a fire, and began cooking some meat she had collected. She then went back out to get some fruits, berries, and vegetables. All the while, she kept purposely letting Kryten know she was still watching him.   
  
"Isn't there some way you could use me instead?" Kryten asked, knowing it wasn't likely.   
  
"I admire your efforts, but I really must insist you refrain from any more attempts to hinder me. If you can not bear to watch, why don't you just shut yourself off," the fairy responded.   
  
Knowing he was pushing her, Kryten again returned to the computer. So far nothing of any use could be found. It became clear he would have to just do what she said, and let the others figure it out for themselves; otherwise, they may all perish.   
  
"Dinner is served," the fairy announced.   
  
As the others arose from their naps, the fairy set the table. Her spell was still obviously just as powerful as before, much to Kryten's dismay.   
  
"Hey Kryten, aren't you going to join us?" Lister asked.   
  
"I'd rather not, sir. I think I'll just stand over here and count the leaves on all the trees," Kryten replied, bringing a glance of warning from the fairy, due to his sarcastic response.   
  
"Suit yourself," was Lister's reply.   
  
"I wish I could do that," Rimmer sincerely added.   
  
"So tell me about this special fertilizer you're going to make to save those trees," Holly said.   
  
"That's a secret fairy formula," was the reply.   
  
"Is there anything we can do to help?" Rimmer added.   
  
"Maybe," the fairy replied, forcing back a smile.   
  
"I wish we could stay here forever," Lister remarked, stabbing a chunk of meat off his plate.   
  
"You can stay for as long as you like," the fairy replied.   
  
"I thought this was supposed to be a once in a lifetime experience. How could it be possible for us to stay here indefinitely?" Holly asked with interest, but still not aware of the fairy's intent.   
  
Kryten suddenly realized that the "once in a lifetime" bit was the key to solving their predicament. He started squirming, like a little kid who forgot to use the bathroom before leaving on a long trip. He so desperately wanted to shout out his thoughts to the others, but knew it would only condemn them.   
  
"Anything's possible here," was the fairy's reply.   
  
"Once in a life time, huh? You mean like that little bird I was chasing earlier. It would have been a once in a lifetime opportunity to see the likes of such coolness, just before I had him for lunch," the cat quipped.   
  
Suddenly the trance was broken, as everyone realized the significance of the cat's words, although it took the cat himself a bit longer than the rest.   
  
"We were going to be used for the fertilizer!" Lister shouted.   
  
"'Were', might be a bit premature," was the fairy's response.   
  
"Do the words Hansel and Gretel mean anything to anyone," Rimmer added.   
  
"I suggest we all make a run for the garden exit immediately," Kryten said, confident his intervention was no longer restricted.   
  
"Isn't there something we can do to repay the favor?" Holly said with a malicious tone, as she glared at the fairy.   
  
Everyone seemed to pause, mulling over the situation. Kryten broke the silence, with his further insistence that they get the hell out of there.   
  
"I'd listen to him if I were you. There's no reason why I still can't have my way, simply because you've broken my spell," the fairy said.   
  
With that, they took off running. But Holly had a bit of a problem with her long dress, so Kryten carried her until they exited the garden, and returned to the passageway.   
  
"That was close. Another minute and we would've been worm food!" Cat declared.   
  
"That was absolutely embarrassing," Holly added.   
  
"Do you mean realizing you're not completely immune to human failings, or having to be carried out by Kryten?" Rimmer gleefully replied, to which Holly gave him a glaring look.   
  
"How many points was that one good for?" Lister asked Kryten.   
  
"Five hundred fifty points," Kryten answered.   
  
"That's all?" Rimmer replied, astonished that their near peril was not worth as much as he thought.   
  
"At the current rate, we'll need about two thousand encounters to reach a million. I'm afraid to calculate the odds of success, based on our narrow escape," Kryten noted.   
  
"We're just going to have to find some harder problems to solve," Lister added, which brought looks questioning his sanity, from the others. 


End file.
